So my research for my dissertation had the theme of self-worth come up wether that aerial increasing worth due to achievements and progress and also decreasing worth due to comparison to others and tight training clothes. It was very split and very personal.
As a kid I was so quiet that I always expressed myself in dance, art and music because I wasn’t a fan of speaking in front of people. This become so much of a second nature to me that there was no line between who I was and my creative projects. If they didn’t work out I was a complete failure as a human because who was I without it?
I’ve noticed (particularly in counselling training) that a lot of my own insecurities around being an aerialists were rooted in my low self-worth which I have had since I was little. Every ‘failure’ or non-pointed foot validated that I was not good enough and I think this would have happened in any field it just happened that aerial brought it out.
When your art is your body it is hard to separate its failure and successes from your own self-worth. (Me and @kalinasuter spoke a bit about this in our live last week). I felt like I was physically wearing my CV as I assumed if I didn’t look as strong people would think I was going though a but of a career dip. I understand now that that was how I was viewing myself and it was just feeding my insecurities.
I didn’t realise going into a performance career how exposing it would be when you are off stage but I honestly think it makes us so resilient. It’s only recently I have realised that I don’t have to find my worth externally or through audience feedback as that’s a risky little game. However it’s a work in progress.
Does anyone else get caught by this?